Mother’s Day Rant 2025

These are a few excerpts from a journal I was keeping last year.

10.18.24

I’m writing this almost 6 weeks after the birth of my son. Giving birth is such an interesting experience because your body becomes a portal between life and death– or I guess life and non-life. Looking at my child is hypnotic because he has so recently crossed over this mysterious boundary. I look at him and I wonder where he came from before this and what wisdom his soul holds. This thing that we all have but maybe our bodies make us forget once we’re born. And he’s still so close to it. You can sense it when you’re near a newborn baby, it’s like you can almost touch infinity.

Labor? 9.8.24

I’m feeling like we won’t make it to our “due date”… maybe within the next few days baby will be here. Last night cramping and spotting started! I got so happy and excited, regardless of the discomfort and trouble sleeping– something’s happening!!!

9.13.24

I look at you and I feel like I love you so much it hurts. I have never felt this way before. I can’t believe how perfect you are. You are the most precious thing I have ever seen in my life. I can’t believe that I held you in my body– I did not make you. Only God could create a being so beautiful and perfect.

This is a follow up to last year’s post I made when I was still pregnant. The past year flew by and now my son is almost 9 months old. I was blessed with a healthy birth at home, with 2 angels of midwives Dr. Ye & Cecilia and my partner Joe supporting and catching our baby. I would not trade my experience for anything although it was long, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. (I’m such a dork but) I would think of long tattoo sessions as training for the pain of childbirth or in the scenario in my head that I get captured and have to withstand torture for whatever reason… That pain endurance helped me mentally in the beginning, but yeah no, childbirth is in a whole league of its own.

At one point toward the end of my labor he was stuck and we had to try a midwifery maneuver to dislodge him from the birth canal and load him back in the chamber the right way. This entailed me getting turned upside down in a head stand and shaken. It was gnarly. But thankfully that did the trick. I stood up, he fell into place, and was able to pop right out after that. Joe was kneeling on the floor of our bedroom and caught him on top of my favorite blanket. It holds a lot of love for me and now contains my most precious memory.

Just after he was born I couldn’t hold or look at him yet, I just sobbed from shock and exhaustion. I’ve heard others describe a period of coming back down to Earth after traveling to the stars to fetch your baby. Cecilia comforted me while Joe and Dr. Ye tended to our son. Immense relief and euphoria when I finally heard his voice and his cry. When it was time to hold him, I remember the way he felt like a giant beating heart.

Life Now

5.20.2025

An ancient mariners’ saying applies to you now: “When fishermen cannot go to sea, they stay home and repair their nets.”

Life is a series of choices. It doesn’t matter what anyone else does, we just have to make the next best choice for our lives.

I remember in the years that I was starting to tattoo, I was really motivated and I worked most days of the week taking as many clients as I could to fill my days. Missing out on family get togethers or time with friends was the trade off I was willing to make at the time in order to excel. It made sense for me then but I also felt lonely and got burnt out a lot.

Nowadays I may feel like I’m not progressing in tattooing as fast as I was then but I have had time to “repair my nets,” focusing on strengthening my relationships with family and friends, tending to my inner world, health, and improving my relationship with money/finances. Things I didn’t really bother to do when I was busy working. I’m very happy with this new trade off.

I’ve been able to sort out a better work flow with scheduling->drawing->tattooing too. I think my drawing has improved lately when I’m not pressed for next day deadlines even though I’m drawing less. Drawing reflects the way you understand a thing, and I didn’t have time to understand a thing when drawing for tattoos felt more like pushing out a product on an assembly line. None of that is bad though– I was fortunate to be busy. And it’s also a privilege to be able to slow down and still survive. I owe this to having a great support system and a loyal group of clients who have supported me as my regulars. In the middle of the week I’m always thinking about the next upcoming tattoo– looking at reference material, mentally planning what needle groupings I will use, what machines to set up, the plan of attack etc.

Organizing my finances has also helped in other areas of life. Having a plan keeps that looming grey cloud of worry at bay. Money is just a symbol we use to represent an exchange of energy, how we choose to spend our energy and spend our money is like breathing. And budgeting money is a lot like managing time. None of it needed to be cause for stress, I just need to learn how to do it better.

Currently my life revolves around my son. I plan activities for him and the rest of what I need to do gets planned around his nap times. I get to stay home to take care of him and work a couple times a week. My trips to the shop have become a more special occasion like a pilgrimage to the tatt temple. I leave extra early now that I live an hour away. I park outside the shop and I set my timer for meditation before I go in. Any anxiety I was feeling about stepping into work I allow myself to let go and zoom out. Nothing matters more than being completely there with the people around me, and to do that I need to relax.

I inhale, I relax my entire body…

I exhale, I relax my entire body…

[repeat as desired] I imagine my body melting

I’ve come a long way in the past few years.

I could ramble more but for now, I will leave my annual rant at that. I’m feeling very grateful for this life and all that I get to do and share in it. Thank you for reading and I hope that you enjoy your beautiful day. ❤